Charismatic: Only 1 – Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 – One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None – Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None – Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15 – One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 – One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5 – One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined – Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 – One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None – Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: — What’s a light bulb?
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Nancy couldn’t help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face. Finally Nancy spoke.
“Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
The old priest continued, “He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
A teacher was telling her class about Jonah and the big fish.
She told them it was impossible for the fish to swallow Jonah.
But a 12-year-old girl stood up and said, “I know Jonah was swallowed by the whale, the Bible says so, so when I get to Heaven I’ll ask him.”
The smug teacher looked at the little girl and said, “Well, what if Jonah didn’t go to Heaven, what if he went to hell”?
The little girl stood back up and with her hands on her hips told the teacher, “Then you ask him.”
One of my checks was returned “insufficient funds” In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to you or me?
Leroy’s mother, being a good Catholic woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner,” his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
Dear God,
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
He says “NO, in fact it was the worst day of my life! Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 9th hole!”
Sympathetic, his wife says “Oh, poor Harry! And that must have been awful for you!”
The golfer replies: You’re telling me! For the whole back nine, it was “Hit the ball, drag Harry; Hit the ball, drag Harry….”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man, “and whose clock is that?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life.”
“Where’s President Obabma’s clock?” asked the man.
“Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, “I’ll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.”
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, the boy came back and again asked his father about using the car. Again, they went to the study, where his father said, “Son , I’ve been real proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”
The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “You’re right, son. Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that’s when you remember: you’ve been listening to your ipod.
Answer: Joshua, because he is the son of Nun.
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?” “NO!” the children answered.
Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!”
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my husband, Could that get me into
Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!”
can I get into Heaven?” A five-year-old boy shouted out, ”YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Then suddenly there was total silence.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! (unless you’re a turkey)
____________________
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes… the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table w/a single rose.
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
’Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
His son replies, ’Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, And when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS!!!!!
—————
DID YOU HEAR? – California vintners in the Napa Valley area , which primarily produce Pinot Blanc , Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE!
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ‘Daddy, look at this’, and stuck out two of her fingers.
’Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,’ pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’
She replied, ‘What happened to my booger?‘
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint…it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
‘REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM’
Answer: Joseph, because he served in the Pharoah’s court.
Janet: “Egypt.”
jack: “In an airplane?”
Janet: “Yes. And Pontius the pilot is driving.”
Grandpa: “Oh no, I wasn’t.”
Andy: “Then how did you survive the flood?”
What did Noah say after he had loaded all the animals into the ark?
“Now I’ve herded everything.”
